A deep breathe is all I need to get me through a day.

Things to be happy about:

• Lecturer told the class that I did well for my presentation;
• Colleague told me that I have been doing well, in fact, better than expected.

 But why do I still feel like I am hanging by a thread?

Was it because:

• I can only answer 2 out of 4 questions that the lecturer had asked during Q&A?
• My co-workers had been expecting me to break down sooner or later under all the pressure from my school work, and no one have expect me to last til now?

No matter what it is, I am truly not convinced at all when people try to tell me how well I have been doing. Because I know that its not all me. I know that some of my co-workers have been helping me lightening up my workload lately. Perhaps my supervisors realised how overwhelmed I am, and in return for their understanding, I made damn sure that all my results are nothing but accurate. I know that I cannot afford any mistakes on my side no matter how tired I am, because just one mistake from my side would cost someone else’s 3 months’ work to literally go down the drain. How can I afford that? Despite feeling really shitty about my situations, I do feel lucky in some ways, and for that, I am grateful.

To BS, whom I know is working extreeeeeeeeeemingly hard for her honours year, continue to work your hardest for your last year! It will all be over before we know it!

Contemplating

Its been too long since I had blog. I realise that I do not blog often these days.  Hence it surprises me to receive comments from passerbys telling me that they like my entries. Though these comments do not come in often, but I can’t help but to feel amused when I got them, because all I wrote here are either complaints, depressing or really mundane stuff. I do not talk about my shopping trips, I do not talk about all the exciting places I had been too, nothing of all those but the boring life of a full time worker cum a part time student, which is hardly anything worth reading in the first place. But I wrote it as it serve as a outlet for me to vent my frustrations, its a place where I try conclude what little lessons that I had learnt from. Yes, I would have understand why my friends would like to read my entries as they will want to know whats going on with my life. But never would I have expect passerbys to drop by and leave a comment telling me that they like what I wrote. I guess its kinda flattering, but it does seem a little unreal to me. Unreal because it doesnt make sense to me, but not that I am complaining about it.. Like I said.. its flattering to receive such comments (its good for the ego I guess *wink*), they never fail to make my day.

So.. I am kind of contemplating whether to make this blog a private one. Something like BS’s. Only a few close friends will gain access to it. Perhaps its only then will I be able to let out more of me on this blog then. There are stuff I would like to bitch about at work, but knowing how the internet work these days, its probably not safe. Potential employers googling your name to find out more about you, nosey gossipers raiding through your facebook and friendster trying to get their latest materials.. Even though I had been keeping my anonymity here, but its always better to be safe than sorry. Yes, in case you haven’t already known, I am that pessimistic.

Anyway, I find that its terribly unfair to have employers judging their candidates from what they have deduced from the net. I am not sure if they know that people do have different personalities on and off the net. Do not be fooled when your boss asked you about your weekend, you’d be surprise by how much your boss had already known the answer to that. I was out with a group of friends on a friday night at a gay pub, and they forbid any pictures taken that night to be loaded up onto facebook, because their boss checks through everyone of their facebook from time to time. From what I found out, apparently their boss is concerned about his employers’ night life as he is worried that it may affect their performance at work the next day. They are not even spared from their boss’s watchful eyes on a weekend! Atrocious right? I know. Another shocking story: One of my acquaintance got sack with immediate effect when his boss found out that he had signed up at a adult finder website. Funny thing is, he signed up in the comfort of his own home, using his private email on a weekend. And yet his boss had his way of finding that out the very next day and fired him. Reason given was that the boss find what he did disturbing, that he is afraid that it will bring down his company’s reputation if word got out. Like hello?? Have’nt the boss visited any porno website in his life? Not that I encourage people visiting porno website, but I do think that its normal for people to have a life outside work. No, normal is an understatment. Its our right to have a life outside work. If those employers had used their time more wisely (like working for their company) instead of cyber stalking their employees (which I am positive that even their very own mother would not have done just to see what their child was been up to when they are out), I am sure that the company would have perform much much better. 

Imagine your boss surfing through your facebook and blog, reading your complaints at work.. It makes you feel sick to the core, doesnt it?

Sigh, what a sick world we live in…

Random Quickies

• I had to reboot my ipod twice because of one corrupted song. But I am really glad to have uploaded new songs into my ipod cause I am getting sick of listening to the same old songs over and over.

• It takes about 1 freaking hour to convert one movie for the ipod. Why so troublesome?

• The 2 new guys next to the lab are seriously cute! Kinda sad that one of them is married though.. =( But oh well, having those eye candies around really does brighten our day! =D

• Need to remind self to buy baby carrots for my guinea pig.

• My colleagues got me a pet name that embarrass me so much that I cringed everytime I hear it. Today I hear people from other labs calling me by the pet name. FML.

• I hate doing troubleshooting for my genotypings.

• Last friday, I killed so many mice by breaking their spine that I had a nightmare that night and only fall asleep at 6am. I was then late for my class which starts at 2pm and had to spend 16 bucks on cab. FML twice.

• Many of its tails came off when I tried to break their spine. I think I should just stick to CO2 treatment as I still can’t get over it. I feel really sorry doing it and I hope that I will not have to do so much killing in my next job.

F.M.L.

Live life

I came across this on the net and it is making so much sense to me right now.

 

“A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.“ - John Steinbeck

 

Its true you know. We can worry and plan about everything in our life for all we want. But at the end of the day, what do we get out of it? Nothing. So, why not just live life, make the best out of it and have a blast?  I would love to do that, but unfortunately I do not own my life, my commitments own it for now.

You know, after I am done with all my studying, I will definitely want to slow down and live life for awhile. There are so much things in life that I am missing out because of my commitments. It will be great if I can travel with a close buddy to some place cool, just to go for some sight-seeing, see how other people lead their lives, and hopefully make friends with the locals. I am sure that that will do me more good instead of all the usual shopping and eating routine that most of us have in mind when we chose our destination for travelling =).

Until then, I have to first survive through this 14 months and then its hello <insert some exotic place which I have yet to decide>! But first thing first, I have to get back to my studying for an exam today. Wish me luck!

One Year

I cant believe that I’d survived one year in the lab, but there is one lesson I learnt, that is to 少听, 少问, 少管, 少讲. The best thing for me to do right now is to stay out of all the drama and politics and just focus on my priorities. Yea, thats what I’d do.

Swim, or you sink.

The past 2 months was my happiest time in the last 2 years. I had enough sleep, I get to eat properly, good times were spent with my family and friends, misunderstandings were cleared up, and I even have time to do a little proper shopping for myself. Its amusing how much good a 2 months break from school can to do me. Now, I just couldn’t help but wonder how much happier I’d be if I can take a break from work and school all at the same time..

Now that I am one week into my school, I can slowly feel the pressure coming back again. The household responsibilities I have in the house, the night classes, the full time job, the reports, tests and exams. I am having a test one week later, can you fucking believe it? When I look at the amount of materials I have to digest and memorize in such a short time, I freaked out. I honestly have got NO CLUE, how one of my friends can handle a part time degree, household chores, her online website, WHILE HOLDING A FULL TIME JOB THAT REQUIRES HER TO WORK PAST 12AM DURING A WEEKEND! How she manages her time and yet stay sane all the time is totally BEYOND me. Perhaps she is hiding her clone at home doing her school work and household chores while she work late at night? I really must speak to her someday so that she can teach me a thing or two in time management before I go kuku.

Before my school starts, I spoke to a close friend of mine whom we rarely have time to meet up. While she updated me with her recent “happenings”, I couldnt help but noticed the change in her priorities in life. She definitely treasured her time spent with her family more. Even though she wished to move forward in life too, she had to put that thought on hold and make some sacrifices for her family. And all the time while she was talking to me, I couldn’t sense any despair, ‘mai yuan’ or disappointment from her. Nobody gave her any household responsibilities, yet she carried it out willingly and selflessly. Not many people I know can do that. She is still as optimistic and independent as before, and perhaps I did detect a little stubborness in her, but I suppose it did her good. I then realize how she despise weakness in people, it does no good on the person, but it also make the people around the person suffers. I guess thats what keep her going in life too; she refused to be weak.

Now that all of us have grown up, we each have our own life and meet up less often, but each meet up that I have with them was meaningful and there’s a lesson to be learn in each. I learnt that with time management, one can achieve more than one’s expectation! I also learnt that a little optimism will do me lots of good! Because, seriously, at the end of the day, we can only count on ourselves (or maybe your family too, if you are lucky) to get through whatever shitty day we got. In short, either you swim, or you sink. As cruel as it may sound, I suppose that is reality, and that’s one lesson that all of us has to learn eventually.

A taste of freedom..

Its been a week since my exam ended.. =) Thank god for this 2 months break, which is my last break until sept 2010, when I’ll finally graduate.

Although I am still feeling rather fatigue from the lack of sleep for the past few months, this week had been very refreshing for me. I finally have time to do the things I like, like watching movies til wee hours, and going on a much delayed shopping spree with my mum. To be totally honest, I feel extremely guilty for neglecting her in the past few months. With all the work, lessons, homework and exams, I hardly have enough time to sleep. And hence, I tried to make up to her in the last 2 days by spending time with her. Although I know that it isnt enough to make up for the time that I am not around, but I feel very happy to see her having fun. The only downside is that I ended up with painful and tired feet, and a hole in my pocket. Wince.

Mum finally got herself a solitaire diamond ring. =D Thats when I had the most fun in the entire 2 days shopping spree! I even got to try on one diamond ring that cost approximately $16k!! It has a 1 carat diamond in the middle with countless small diamonds surrounding it, simple yet elegant, but it cost a bomb. We picked out several solitaires from the sea of varieties and she finally settled for the one that I picked. It was love at first sight for me as the setting really makes the diamond stand out much more than the rest, hence making it look much bigger than it actually is. And if you asked me, now is the perfect opportunities for all diamond lovers out as the cost of the diamonds is dropping, hence you do not need to pay as much for the same diamond as before. The value for gold is rising though, so if you have any gold jewellery from relatives that you will never be caught dead wearing, go sell them and get yourself a nice solitaire! Its definitely worth it! =D As the diamond comes with a GIA certified number, my mum bought lottery ticket immediately after the purchase. It was so funny.. I hope she’d strike lottery.. =D

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The night went horribly wrong. I am so fucking frustrated and sorry about the decision I made. It was a waste of my time and it completely spoilt my weekend.

I couldnt help it but to wonder if what I did was worth it. Lately all the things that happened really make me thought long and hard about I want, what I deserve, and what I DON’T deserve. I cannot take it if it happen on a regular basis. Its fucking tiring and frustrating for me.

Oh Gawd, everyone around me is so fucking selfish. Seriously fucking stupid.

My neighbourhood is full of nosy bitches and assholes. But of course, the idiot didn’t care.

Still going Strong!!

Its nice to see a few concern messages in the last post, even though it was really just a short post..

I just found out the criteria to take honours with my current school and I am aiming towards that…

A few weeks back, I had this conversation with an idiot whom I only got to know that day:

Him: I think its good to continue with your studies.. yadah yadah yadah..
Me: Yea I know, I am taking part time degree with (my school).
Him: Ohh, you mean  you have lessons after work?
Me: Yeap.
Him: Why don’t you go overseas to study? At least when you’ll have a story to tell your interviwer. If you are studying part time here you will have no story to tell mah.

Now, why does his tinny winny brain think that I do not have a story to tell? For all he know, I had worked for 2 bosses (hope its gonna be 3 soon!) during the time of my course and what does he know? Not to mention that I have got more working experience than he has. And there he is, rattling about how he had worked till 2am in the morning and how early he came work. News flash people! He still has got no results!! Nothing!! These people amazed me to no end! They love to go around criticising giving people free advices just so they could feel good about themselves, because in reality, they are nothing. If you asked me, they are just a bunch of insecure idiots who thinks that they had seen it all. Sigh, what a bunch of ignorant bastards.

I just realised that most of the time, these ignorant idiots had got their path laid down nicely for them. They had it all too easy for them. Perhaps thats why they acted like an complete assholes at times, without even knowing I believe.

I ought to spend less energy getting angry as those insignificant people in my life. On a happier note, I hope that whatever that I am planning in my work will come true soon. =D